


Fried or Fertilized

by Kim_Kardashian



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 03:24:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11614866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kim_Kardashian/pseuds/Kim_Kardashian
Summary: Agreeing to hike with Eren always concluded with spontaneous trips to IHOP. Levi loves omelettes more than he should.





	Fried or Fertilized

Levi could say he had an unhealthy obsession with Twix bars, but Erwin would say he had a bad habit of wearing mismatched socks. He grit his teeth and pulled the waxing strip in one swift motion, the fleeting white flash of pain easing into a slight burn. Why he was waxing his legs in the car was debatable, but he was an adult so that was that.

The joggers he would change into would make the hike comfortable. His two bottles of water, one frozen, one room temperature, a multigrain granola bar, and his mosquito repellent reassured him. While he could care less about how prepared he was for an exam, when it came to other inane and trivial plans, he was soccer mom ready. Which seemed completely backwards, but Levi enjoyed being that shitfuck in everybody’s lives. His backpack cost almost two hundred dollars, he drinks SmartWater, not that Poland Springs shit, and his Calvin Klein underwear made his dick look good, so he made sure everybody knew on Instagram.

Taking another aggressive bite from his Twix, he barely glanced at the map, deciding to take trail C. It was the most difficult, paths rock-laden and threaded with thick tree roots. He lost service immediately, not a surprise, but kept walking, watching his step. It was silent save for the rustle of fallen twigs or occasional bird call, the air smelled clean and earthy, even though his left eye twitched nonstop.

That’s how he knew he was in desperate need of a nap. Getting one would be nearly impossible. The wooden planks he crossed creaked, bulged ants scattered about and when he arrived to the familiar big ass rock, he made sure to keep his presence silent. Eren was hunched over, kneeling like a nun, Nike’s covered in mud and dirt. Without thinking twice, Levi planted a firm kick to his ass, and Eren toppled over, screeching like a banshee and scattering the nervous flutter of birds. His camera still tucked to his chest, Eren stared at him with fond affection and immense hatred. “You little cunt.”

“Why are you taking pictures of acorns?”

“They’re cute.”

“You didn’t wait for me you asshole.” Levi grabbed Eren’s hand and pulled him up anyway.

Eren scoffed and dusted the dirt from his ass and knees, camera still held preciously. The mosquito bites raised bumps on his arms, an ant crawled near his elbow, and his glasses were still taped together. Overall, Eren looked like the photographer dweeb he really was.

“I was not going to wait for you to finish waxing your fucking legs. You’re not even wearing shorts, who’s gonna look at them? The birds?”

“You never know,” Levi grunted, rummaging his bag for the can of repellent. He sprayed it over Eren’s arms, who stayed still for once in his life and looked around again. Like he’d see anything else besides trees. They couldn’t even see the sky, the foliage so dense that it blurred into nothing but a gradient of green and brown. The rocks were sharp and smooth, mushrooms erupted from fallen trees, its roots still standing where they were.

“It smells like rain,” Eren commented, clicking away.

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Bitch, it’s gonna rain.”

“Are you sure you didn’t look at the weather app?” Levi grinned, knowing well Eren hated it when he was a smartass. It was Saturday, a pleasant Saturday. Eren’s summer program cut his time short, filled it with math or whatever the fuck Eren studies. So when the weekend came, Levi knew it would include alcohol or nature. Mostly nature because it gave Eren an excuse to not smoke. Levi enjoyed the unemployed life, at least for now because this Sunday marked his first day as a cashier at the downtown supermarket.

No one came to this trail this early, or came at all. It’s a thirty-minute drive, much farther than other hiking spots. Armin hated walking aimlessly, Mikasa was an hour and a half away, and Marco also despised nature. Which made them both hiking buddies. Levi didn’t care where life took him, as long as he had enough money for pepperoni pizza, so whenever Eren popped the ‘wanna hike???’ question on the group chat, everyone knew that yeah. Levi will wax his legs super last minute for no fucking reason, and Eren would take pictures of leaves and still get over three hundred likes on social media.

It was like that. “I didn’t,” Eren said, frowning. “It smells like rain.”

Levi shrugged, knee throbbing whenever he lifted it. An old soccer injury, but still determined to fist him now and then. “Can we slow down?” He tried not to wheeze. Because if being in pain wasn’t enough, being asthmatic also liked to remind him how shitty his body could be.

“Did you bring your pain medication?”

“No.” Eren stopped, raising a brow. Levi envied that. He always tried to raise one eyebrow, it never worked so he always seemed mildly surprised whenever he did.

“What about your inhaler?” Eren said, silently daring him to say no.

“No.” At least he looked hot. If he dropped dead right now, he’d look hot. So.

“You brought your hair gel and comb, but not your inhaler?” Eren huffed in exasperation, then took a picture of Levi without warning.

“Don’t post it, I wasn’t prepared.”

“Yeah, exactly, you’re not.” Levi considered shoving him, but a) the camera would break and a rock would pierce Eren’s ass, and b) Eren was driving. “Look.” Levi glanced at the picture, hating that he looked like a lost child in a sea of constipation. Like he needed a suppository shoved up his anus immediately. “A dumbass in its natural glory.”

“Fuck off.”

Eren just shook his head and forged ahead, still stealing small glances to check on Levi like a mother hen. They started going uphill, Levi could feel it in his constricting chest, but gulped water instead. It was humid today, and like Eren had predicted with his stupid remark from earlier, it began to rain. Heavily. The silence stopped, leaves bouncing down with every pelleted drop. Levi loved the downpour, his back already had a layer of sweat so any type of refresher was welcome.

Hiking, if thought about rationally, was pointless. They weren’t going anywhere in particular, just walking in a human-made forest with glorified, pointless facts on plastic signs. People carved their initials with lovers on trees that could give less of a shit about human life, and Levi loved being cynical about everything.

Eren said they didn’t have to have a destination, but Levi knew he was just trying to be poetic like the artiste he was. “You see that, Levi?” Eren whispered. “Holy shit.”

It was a frog, tiny, about the size of a Hot Wheels car. It rested on a leaf, and hopped easily camouflaged by the forming mud. “Let’s call him Bruce.”

Eren ignored him and took pictures, whispering holy shit under his breath like a prayer. After the frog inevitably disappeared in the field of ferns, they trudged until they heard the tell-tale rush of water. Finally. The waterfall, where Levi would sit down and let Eren romanticize the freckles on Levi’s nose. It was a rushing river, thigh deep. Water spiders skated on the rippling surface. Stones had smoothed over after years submerged in a perpetual current. They had access to the grey cloudless sky at last. Eren gestured him to come over. “I’m my own aesthetic,” Levi said stubbornly. His Adidas were spared of mud, joggers made him seem godly, baseball cap tilted just right.

“Shut the fuck up and get to it,” Eren murmured, getting into Pretentious Camera Slut Mode. Levi sat on top of his signature rock, its jagged edges poking his ass, but he posed anyway, Eren squinting like a goddamn grandma. Perspiration glued his Nike sweatshirt to his back, his tattooed collar bone exposed. “Like that. Stay still, Levi.”

He stayed still. Like a good noodle, even with the spiders creeping him out. The cascading waterfall behind him must look epic. “Should I change my position?”

“Yeah.” Eren then got extremely close, zooming the lens right on his left eye. “It doesn’t stop twitching.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

Eren clicked the shutter anyway, mumbling a “you wanna get some ramen after this?” under his breath. Levi nodded, changing his pose. It continued raining nonstop, some drops caught on his lashes. Eren gasped. “Oh my god. Don’t move. I mean don’t blink, don’t blink!”

“Shut up, Eren, Christ.” His eyeball begged for its eyelid. Sometimes he wondered why he indulged people like this. Let them take advantage of his fuckboy beauty.

“You were such a slut, I’m glad you don’t have a man bun anymore.”

“That was a phase we agreed not to talk about.” The air thickened with warmth, the rain did little to cool any inch of his skin. His frozen water bottle rolled off with cold beads. Pressing it over his face, he watched Eren rummage through his grungy sports bag (he’s had it since high school and Levi thinks that’s disgusting), pulling out a bunch of CapriSun juice packs and Lunchables.

So much for ramen.

“I feel twelve with this shit,” Eren said and shoved a whole cracker in his mouth. Fisted a slice of cheese and tiny ham in there too. Instances like these where he knew Eren could give less of a shit about anything made him wonder if he should stop taking life so seriously. Eren, who was going to be an accountant in some fancy ass firm, who still ate expired PopTarts and sometimes, _sometimes_ wore deodorant. Got temporary tattoos and wore Mikasa’s lacy thongs to mess with her. She’d never wear them again, vowing revenge but always buying more. He took the Reese’s cup from the Lunchables tray, pretending not to notice Eren’s snarl. “I love Reese’s,” Eren snapped after chewing.

“So do I,” Levi replied placidly, rubbing the gravel off his heel. Rocks, jagged and coated with algae, were everywhere. Teeny tiny schools of fish darted whenever his shadow approached the river. He could see the silhouette of a person walking their dog through the trees. “There was this horror movie I watched, I think Dead End. Something like that. But it takes place in a forest like this, and there’s this family of cannibals who hunt people down.”

“Thanks. I really like you mentioning that when we’re trying to have a good time.” Although it seemed Eren had nothing but porn and hipster aesthetics in his brain, he surprised Levi by pulling out more shit from his bag. A container full of mulberries, allergy medication, tissues. He forgot Eren had allergies and relied on Allegra religiously.

“Weren’t we supposed to get ramen?”

Eren raised an eyebrow. Again. “Never said we wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, but you’re eating a lot of shit.”

“I’m not me when I’m hungry,” Eren replied, and Levi resisted the urge to kick him into the rushing current. They loosened the muddy rocks trapped under the water ferns, Levi lamenting the future of his Adidas, and tried to think of a way to delete that godawful picture Eren took with his camera.

-

When he got home, he pushed off his joggers and slapped the towel on his back. The humidity and rain did him dirty, literally. Mud caked his ankles, rocks embedded under his shoes. Sweat and rain made him smell musky. It was silent and deliciously air-conditioned until Eren opened the door behind him, fatigue weighing him down. A streak of dry blood and mud on his knee reminded Levi that he had Neosporin in his drawer.

“There’s Neosporin—“

“I know where it is,” Eren murmured, and had enough sensibility to not track the floor with filth. He placed his camera bag and backpack on the frayed, overstuffed couch. Took off his taped glasses and stuffed them in his pocket.

Warm water slid the dirt from his elbows, and reenergized his joints. The throbbing in his knee was easier to ignore as he lathered his hair, the pungent fake smell of green apple relaxing him. There was comfort in routine and his chest felt so open and light with the steam. His asthma didn’t rule his life, but it definitely liked to rear its head in the winter, when his breath looked like smoke and the roads glazed with ice. Wrapping the towel around his hips, he moisturized his face and arms. The old scars where he used to have eczema were drier than other parts of his body.

The television was turned on, old reruns of _Full House_ meant Eren was ready to laze around. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping? It’s like nine thirty.”

“I was thinking we should go to IHOP. I’m in the mood for an omelet.”

“You have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

The crusted blood was wiped off, but Eren still had a sheen of sweat over his face. “So?”

Sighing, Levi threw a pair of boxers and his old ACDC t-shirt on the couch. “Shower and then we’ll go.”

He knew Eren took five-minute ice cold showers for fun for some ass reason. Levi made sure he had his wallet and debit card while Eren got dressed. Calling Armin was an option, simply because he knew Eren didn’t like going to the doctor’s office alone. Ever since his cancer submerged beneath the water, Eren always had that fear of it wading, before popping back up with a _fuck you, surprise bitch_ and dragging him down again.

It was two years ago since he was in the clear, but Levi knew it fucked him a bit in the head. He was there for it, so he understood why random food trips were important. With water still streaking down his neck, Eren swung his lanyard around, warming up the car. “I was going to ask if you wanted to go with me tomorrow. Armin has his internship and I know he’ll call out if I ask.”

“What time?”

“Ten AM.”

He started his new job at three so it was fine. And even if it didn’t he’d call out too. “I’m in.”

Whether that was comforting or not, Levi didn’t know. The dark cluster of trees surrounded the lone road, endless and curving with them. When they hit the freeway, speeding along with other cars, Eren rolling down the windows, the familiar shopping center with its nearly always packed IHOP coming into view. Taking the U-turn, they slowed down and Levi rolled down the window too. The parking spot they found was sweet, super close. Hordes of families and senior citizens were a huge chunk of the line, but it was too late to back down now. Eren plopped on their waiting chair, grinning when Levi had no where to sit. The obvious bustle and rush made a background of nonstop chatter. It’s not like Levi didn’t know this was the closest IHOP for miles.

“You should stop looking at the kids, they’re gonna think you’re a pedo,” Levi whispered. Eren jumped, flushing but too embarrassed to hiss his classic “you little cunt”. “Anyway, contemplating whether you’ll ever have kids in the future shouldn’t be a priority when you’re about to eat an omelet.”

“I’m not contemplating whether I will. It’s if I _can_ you turd.”

Levi snorted. “You act as if you were castrated.”

“I might as well have been.” Before he could quip a witty response, ‘Jaegar, party for two!’ was announced on the speaker. Eren, sluggish to stand and clearly depressed, let himself be pulled up like a sack of papayas. Levi will be damned if he’s going to let this dweeb sour their evening. They were unfortunately seated beside a family with two kids, so an intervention or pep talk was mandatory. And here he was, apparently for an omelet.

“You don’t have to nut inside someone to have kids. Adoption is just as great. Mikasa’s adopted.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t _mind_ adopting. It’s not like I’m anti-adoption. It’s just nice to have options. If I wanted to nut inside someone or not,” Eren mumbled into his menu. They both ordered a Sprite, just to keep it simple.

Levi fixed the napkin dispenser and organized the syrups to keep his hands and eyes busy. “No one expects cancer in their balls when they’re twenty. So miss me with that pity shit. You’ll pop out kids, unfortunately they’ll look like you.”

“I’m fucking hot, it’ll be a blessing if they look like me.”

“True.”

Eren hid his face behind his hands, his growing grin hard to contain. Levi cleared his throat, a bit embarrassed that he even bothered to pay anyone a compliment, to pay _Eren_ a compliment. The scent of bacon and steak wafted to their direction. Everything was bathed in a yellow glow, it was surprisingly homey and warm. Eren unwrapped the cutlery with his pinky, clearly not contemplating his fertility anymore, which Levi appreciated.

“Is this a date?” Eren asked while concentrating abnormally on the fork. As if it would magically disappear. Levi cleared his throat, not sure how to accurately respond.

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t _mind_ if it was a date. Dating is great. It’s not like I’m anti-dating. But it’s nice to have options—” Eren kicked his shin hard, glaring furiously.

“You’re such a piece of shit, Levi, I’d kick you again but I don’t want to fuck up your knee.”

“Thanks, _darling,_ ” he drawled, trying hard not to laugh. The waiter was heading towards them, carrying their sizzling platters of food regardless of Eren’s visible desire to murder everyone within his vicinity. They ate in well-humored silence and Levi paused, a bit more meaningfully this time. “The answer is yes. You can nut inside me and I won’t mind. I won’t get pregnant either because I don’t have a uterus.”

Eren choked on the green pepper he half-assedly chewed, gulping his Sprite like it was ambrosia. “I’m gonna get you back,” he said hoarsely, stabbing the egg with his fork. Even if the idea of nutting inside Levi seemed nice.


End file.
